It's a learning process...

Tonight was a little eye opening for me. I have had something on my heart for a while now and I don't know what to do about. I think one of the reasons I am lost when it comes to this issue is because I am trying to figure it out myself instead of giving it over to God. I don't know why i find it soooo hard to do that. I never thought of myself as a control freak before but I guess, deep down I am. If I can't give God the control of my life, the one who gave me life and knows my ins and outs, then I only have myself to blame for it's failure.

One thing God is teaching me through this and my accountability with my accountability partner is that no matter how meek my voice may seem I do have a voice. I do not consider myself a leader. I like to be in the background not out in front where everyone can see me. I sometimes wonder if that is because of my fear of failure and the fact that I don't want people to see my flaws or maybe that is just God's plan for me or both.

Let me explain myself a little bit. Some things have come up in the past few months that I feel need a change but I don't feel like it is my place to speak up and say what's on my mind. What I really mean when I say this is that I don't like conflict so why put myself in the middle of it? I guess I always identified with Moses when God commanded him to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. Exodus 6:30 kind of says it all, "But Moses said to the Lord, 'Since I speak with faltering lips why would Pharaoh listen to me?'" I have always felt that since I never speak my mind like others do or that I am kind of quiet and shy at times or that when I do speak up my mind goes blank and it makes no sense that people will not listen to me or take me seriously. I think God is trying to break me of that. I can do anything but only if I rely on God and not myself to get me through it.

It is so hard sometimes to give it over to Him because we cannot control the outcome but when you think about it we can't control it even when we take it into our own hands. So what's the point of it all? If that's the case why can't I just relinquish control to God? It's because I am not fully trusting in the Lord to provide for me. This breaks my heart because God has given me so many reasons throughout my life to trust in Him. I guess my prayer is that I would give everything over to God and trust that he knows all and will never let me down. He hasn't yet so why would he start now?

*Lucky*